Legolas Teaches Sexual Education
by Astariel
Summary: Legolas takes on a job as a sex ed teacher, however there are some jobs an elf just isn't prepared for..


DISCLAIMER: No, duh, I don't own LOTR or have anything to do with it. I'm simply a twisted fan who decided to have a little fun with the freedom of press rule. Sorry to who this may offend, and I assure you any moral person will run away clutching a cross if they so much as hear mention of this sick tale. This is full of slash, perversion and etc, and is definately rated R! (even though it begins so tame)  
  
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The students in room 69, giggled excitedly in anticipation of the new course that had become mandatory in their cirriculum; sexual education. Despite the fact there were only about three virgins in the room, the subject was still handled with childish immaturity among the pupils, and their age didn't stop the reactions this topic usually initiated in a younger crowd.  
Now first assertaining that this class was in an integrated* school of middle earth, we have to realize that such subjects were controversal, and had to be dealt with severe modesty and descretion, which in a situation as this, made the job far from easy for a tutor.  
The most respectable citizen, it was deemed had to be appointed for such a task--one who could deal sensitively with the instruction of so intimate an act, and at the same time, be able to disguise sexual termonology in the most large and dubious of words that the students would be safe from a lewd or innappropriate influence on behalf of their instructor.  
The perfect candidate for this position, was, of course, Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. A sober and curteous gentle-elf, who, as it was assumed, could fufill this obligation in the very manner required.  
However, the demotion from prince to teacher was somewhat of a degrading exchange, but after tugging the strings of the elf's self- righteous heart, the school-board managed to pursuade him into accepting their proposition, "for the good of Middle Earth."  
So fastforwarding to Legolas' first day of work, or rewinding to the start of our tale, we find the new instructor pausing before the door of his expectant class--room 69. Relying more on instinct than common sense, his employers had failed to set an official guidelines for the course, feeling his own modesty of character would suffice. So that left a poor inexperienced teacher who knew nothing of the boundaries such education demanded, and who was consequently to be taken advantage of frequently by his sly students.  
Legolas breathed deep and entered the room, and immediatley the giggling subsided.  
"Well, 'ee can teach th'likes of me 'ow to fuck anytime 'ee likes!" exclaimed a rather lewd girl in the back of the classroom. Legolas blushed and chose to pretend he had not heard her.  
"I'd gladly entertain a little homosexuality for a piece of that ass!" noted a young elf that had just stepped into the class behind Legolas.  
Trying to hide his reddening face, Legolas resorted to switching the subject by chastising his late student, "you realize, my good elf, you are late."  
"Yes sir, so I do recommend you give me a good spanking!" grinned the student.  
"Hold thy tongue immediatly!" snapped Legolas, now a very dark shade of burgundy, "such profanities are not to be bandyed in this classroom! We are here on the strict basis we deal with sexuality in a respectable fashion, so no more of this indecency! I give you your first warning--your name please."  
"Fhulnor," smirjed the student and took his place in the front row.  
Calmed, Legolas proceeded to give his first assignment as a teacher. "Now students, I am your new teacher, Mr. Greenleaf, and as I now maintain such title, I require of you to sketch the female alter of intimacy, so that I may observe how familiar you are with such things."  
"Female altars of intimacy?!" echoed a male hobbit named Ruddy, "don't you mean the pussy?"  
Laughter rippled about the room.  
Legolas blushed yet again. "Here, we will not utter such vulgar derisions! Draw your altars! and no more interuptions!"  
A few minutes later Legolas spoke again. "Now, let us compare our impressions. Have I any volenteers?"  
A burly red-headed young man in the back of the class raised his hand.  
"Very good, and your name sir?"  
"Roduar," he replied and held aloft his master piece.  
A little more than a 'pussy', it was an illustration of both southern organs engaging in full blown intercourse. There was ejaculate, penetration and arousal all fitted into one disturbing scene.  
Legolas, now growing immune to blushing--flinched. "As I recall young man, I did not specify such presentations.."  
"Yeah, well, no pussys' complete without the rigid thickness of a real mans' cock!" came the reply.  
"Oh really," groaned Fhulnor, "one taste of elf meat, and such pussies would forget entirely a mere mans ministrations."  
"And hobbits too! let not our short stature hinder you from witnessing the great power and size within!" added Ruddy.  
"Fuck you, pencil-dicks," laughed Roduar, "you're not far from pussies yourselves, and no more capable of penetrating them than is a woman!"  
"'Ow about I does ye all, and informs ye all from dere?" offered the lewd girl, Griselda.  
Legolas, who has been paralyzed in shock at such verbal pollution, regained his senses long enough to scream at the arguing group. "IN THE NAME OF VALA! SHUT THY MOUTHS BEFORE I HAVE YOU ALL EXPELLED!" After lowering his blood pressure a good many degrees, he tried again, "is there any among you that might have an acceptable and relatively modest rendering of what I requested?"  
"ME! ME! ME! OH ME! Right Here! I've GOT IT DRAWN PERFECTLY!" squealed an elf girl up front. She held up her piction of an anatomically correct "altar".  
"Why, that is a very prescise drawing!" exclaimed Legolas, "how did you come to render it so well?"  
"Well, when I found out two years ago that we were going to have a sexual education class, I studied every text book ever made on sexuality so that I'd be well informed and capable of passing the class with an A+ average! Not only that, but while I had my mother polish the apples I was preparing to bring to all my teachers, I had her raise her dress so I could observe a real model and learn to better my drawing skills!"  
"Uh, well.." stammered Legolas, "that was very studious..I guess.."  
"Are we getting graded on these?" she piped, "if we are, let me give you this #1 Teacher coffee mug!"  
"Well, um..no, this was strictly an informative activity...but thanks for your input miss---?"  
"Brandleswin Brasspolisher the third!"  
"Well, that makes an elf and a human--might we have a hobbit and a dwarf share some of their impressions for a more rounded view on the subject?" asked Legolas, a wee bit more hopeful for cooperation after having a better experience with his last volenteer. "Ruddy, how about you?"  
"Well, er, fine, but after such heated argument, I've done a bit of revision.." the young hobbit held up four sheets of paper, which were taped together to reveal a very very long penis. "This is a hobbit pecker," he said proudly, aiming his comments primarily at Fhulnor and Roduar, who both rolled their eyes in disgust at this obvious exaggeration.  
"As well as being highly inappropriate, I did not ask for the male componant, I specifically requested female," sighed Legolas, getting tired of the unecessary competiveness among his students.  
Fhulnor laughed, "well, there's your hobbit females for you, far more masculine in comparison to their pansy male companions!"  
Ruddy turned an enraged red, but said nothing.  
"Oh stop this," interupted Legolas, before the battle of the penises restarted. "I'll finish this introduction with an illustration from a dwarf. Do I have any dwarves willing to share their illustrations?"  
No one answered.  
"Oh really, don't be shy, must I pick someone randomly to contribute?"  
There was still no move among the dwarf students to reply.  
"Please, students," said Legolas.  
Finally one small bearded dwarf girl raised her hand.  
"Good, good, your picture miss--?"  
"Imla," she said in a rich accent, "but I have no picturrrre."  
"Why not?" asked the confused elf.  
Imla blushed. "Because sirrr, no dwarrrf has everrrrr seen such parrrrts forrr all the hairrr, you see, orrr don't see as wit may put it.."  
Legolas tried to hide his urge to vomit. All he could picture was Gimli shrouded by a forest of hair about his loins. "Oh Vala..." groaned Legolas silently, "okay Imla, never the mind then. Lets just continue on."  
"Well class, seeing you all have little knowledge outside of fallacies and exaggerations, so let me part the brush for you--" Legolas coughed, hoping no one caught on to his unintentional stab at Dwarves, "-- the female "altar of love" as I choose to name it, or in medical classification--the vagina, is both the receptical of the male reproductive organ and the passage of which life is initiated and emitted." Drawing a perfect-as-always elf diagram, Legolas continued to explain the functions and importance of each charactaristic of the womans passage. Then, he digressed into the male anatomy, and too embarassed to admit he'd seen enough of a penis to draw it, he simply extorted in full detail it's capabilities and inclinations.  
"So, like whoa," stammered Roduar, "you mean everytime I score in a chick, a bunch of little sperm start hacking at the egg to be the daddy?"  
"Well yes.."  
"Well I don't want no kids, so my sperm won't go near that egg!" he said.  
"That is not by your means, controllable," said Legolas, "which is why reproduction is a sucessful as it is, and is also why abstinence is preferred among unmarried individuals."  
"Ha!" piped up an Orc named Trog, "so that bitch I keep raping, won't be springing no babies cus she's married!"  
Disgusted at this vile creatures confession and thought pattern, Legolas had to force himself to correct such a speculation. "That is not the case, Trog, any woman once injected with sperm is highly likely to become pregnant."  
"Ah well, I don't care if she does," sniffed the Orc indignantly.  
In the back of the class, Griselda blanched. Legolas was not suprised at her reaction, as her previous comments had well revealed her to be of the trampish sort. "So gov'nor, do dat mean there's no way to prevent babies from bein' born?" "Not in your case," sniggered a dwarf called Droda.  
"There are some methods of birth control, know as 'contraceptives' which signifigantly lessen such risks," replied Legolas. "These methods are not as well published in Middle Earth, but they are certainly available to those who look for them. To elaborate further on this, allow me to present to you a few of these pregnancy-prevention devices." Out of his leather sachel, Legolas withdrew several things and placed them on his desk.  
"This," he said, holding up a cylindrical sack-like thing, "is a condom. Made from animal intestines, it is capable of trapping the sperm that threaten to impregnate by preventing them to move any farther from it after being inserted on the male organ of reproduction."  
"So you chag this sack down over your fucker and the risk of babies is no more?" mused Roduar.  
"Not entirely," replied Legolas, "though as I said, it does signifigantly reduce the probability of conception."  
"Where can you get these?!" asked a rather urgent Griselda.  
"You may ask for them specifically at a local shoppe, and they will allow you to purchase them from behind the counter," explained the elf.  
Griselda began counting her whore-pay.  
Legolas continued his demonstrations. "Here we have displayed what is known as a 'sponge'. This handy little item is inserted deep into the womans cavern of pleasure where it blocks the entry of sperm to the womb."  
"Wouldn't a lass reach her climax merely by the stimulation of the sponge alone?" asked an obviously virgin elfmaid.  
"No, Leonoria, in actual fact, and contrary to the belief of supposed romeos," with this he shot a suspecting glare at Roduar and Fhulnor, "the vagina is not the female recepticle of pleasure."  
"Uh, sure, we knew that.." blushed Fhulnor.  
"It is a small area on the external skin called the clitoris which provides sensation for females. The vagina is naught but a hole in which to shove, without much feeling, a mans penchant, but in reality, there is little to be felt by most females in such areas."  
"Teacher, as we do in EVERY class," said a now very aroused Roduar, "we usually pay homage to newly learned knowledge by demonstrating it through examples!"  
Legolas was skeptical, but as we said before inexperienced in teaching, so he gave the man the benefit of doubt. "And why so would this be beneficial young man?" he asked.  
"Because," interjected Fhulnor with as much false passion as he had real desire, "examples strengthen our knowledge by embedding valuable memories in our hearts and procure a source of reflection on a subject when words fail to define it. It would be folly to attribute so meaningful and precise an act to mere definitions and trivial knowledge, in which we may never fully appreciate because we have failed to experience it's full joys and splendor in the actual doing of it. I believe I speak on behalf of all those truly interested in the pursuit of education when I say that without reinforcement, any tower will fall, and without practice, no one is perfect--and good teacher, without an example of such a thing, sex will ever be a mystery to us." This of course was quite a crock of shit, since Fhulnor had seduced over three-score ladies in junior high alone, but Legolas knew nor suspected such libertinage on behalf of his student, and fell prey to his fair words and sly justifications.  
"Well-argued, Fhulnor. I see your point. Very well, if the majority of the class is opt to it, we will indeed go ahead with a simulation by pairing. May I see a show of hands for?"  
"Everyone, except two of the three virgins, the elfmaid Leonoria and a small-cocked hobbit in the back of the room shyed away from such a prospect. But even Brandleswin Brasspolisher didn't say no, and pushed to secure Legolas for her partner, as she'd certainly claim a teachers experience in which to instill perfect manuevers and possibly a few extra marks for what she assured herself would be "the best effort given in all the class."  
Legolas let the two nay-sayers observe rather than participate, and quickly went about grouping his students for their upcoming simulation.  
To the dismay of a good many males in the class, there were only enough females for some of them, but enough males to keep the one plus one pattern.  
"Do not be afraid to indulge in a more foreign art of sexuality with each other," comforted Legolas, "for it is equally satisfying and less risky to go about such." His speech didn't comfort them much, but the promise of ten extra marks to each same-sexed pair urged them to forget a little of their abnormal predicament.  
Legolas distributed the 'condoms' to each male student, and proceeded to show them exactly how it should be placed into position on the male 'altar'.  
Unfortunatly saddled with Brandleswin Brasspolisher and being obligated to instruct the male-male pairs about their duties, Legolas found himself was obligated to perform both intimate duties in the presence of his class.  
Dropping his rather tight leggings, Legolas demonstrated how to roll on a condom, and then how to properly penetrate a female, in a few of many intruiging positions. Unfortuanatly, his partner, the apple-polishing Brandleswin had no experience nor had she lost her virginity, so a bloody mess and several unappreciative farts fouled the room. Legolas was much happier when he had to go about the male, for it was more "up his alley" as one may wittingly put it, and far easier as this male elf was obviously used to this sort of penetration.  
The class went about their examplory fucking with great vigor, filling the room with moans, ejaculate and arousal.  
Strategically enough, Gandalf, no longer wizard but the superintendant of the new integrated school system, was unexpectedly taking note of the schools developments, and had just decided to observe the new sexual education course.  
What he saw, was, to say the least, quite obviously sexual education, but not in any wise a manner approved by the school board. What was even more ironic as to the handling of such a course, was who was overseeing it; Legolas Greenleaf, an original and assumed modest member of the fellowship that had set to Mordor long ago.  
Outraged, Gandalf dispersed the class and sent them all to confession at Orthanc, while he alone tongue-lashed the one soley responsible for such a calamity.  
"Legolas Greenleaf, I would have thought such an esteemed fellow of the fellowship no less, would have not done what was prescribed today. And to think I, of all people, nominated you so trustingly for this aqquisition!"  
"I am ashamed m'lord, but in all respect, I was not informed of the boundaries teaching such a course would entail," said a sad and remorseful Legolas.  
"Ignorance is no excuse thou Sodomite," retorted Gandalf. "I find it most unforgivable."  
"That I would allow such a thing..." asked the elf dejectedly.  
"No," came Gandalf's unexpected reply, "I find it most unforgivable that you did not initiate such pleasures in the company of our fellowship so long ago! Such skills as yours would have made such a journey enjoyable and given me a reason not to slip of the Bridge of Khazadum so easily! I require of you recompense for all I have not been able to experience in your period of prudeness back then."  
Legolas, quite suprised and shocked, wished he had ownership of the Dark Lords ring so to avoid having to suckle such an old wrinkly wizards cock. But there was no ring, and seemingly no salvation.  
As Gandalf peeled back his old grey robe for what he presumed to be incoming pleasures, Legolas cried aloud to the skies, "Oh great Vala, creator of the world, punish me not to such an extent--for I DID help save the world. Rather strike me dead with lightening so I will not have to endure such ills! And make sure the lightening fries my very being to ashes in case this old fossil might be interesting in toying with the pursuits of necrophilia!"  
Vala was kind and would not let such evil befall the fair elf, neither would he allow him to have his life cut so short, so an alternative route was chosen. A brilliant flash of light replaced the aged Gandalf's haggered frame with that of a beautiful and desired multi-orgasmic virgin.  
And all went quite well after that..:P ;P THE END. ============================================================================ =========  
  
Alright, I know this was probably the worst lemon you've ever read, and the most disturbing tale you've ever encountered, but I had fun writing it. (Too bad I hardly ever write anything moral.) Flame if you want, and I expect there will be much in the way of disgusted critism, or give me a good reveiw if you share my same sick sense of humour. Thanks for reading..... ~Astariel~  
  
**INTEGRATED: After the ring of power had been destroyed, social boundaries between the races of middle earth were gradually tearing down, and schools that held elf, human, dwarf, hobbit children, and the occasional fell beast, are examples of such efforts. 


End file.
